today

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This deals with suicide ideation. Please take care of yourself.

***

The corporatization of mental health. Fuck that. 

I'm standing with a growing number of brave people. Like Canadian journalist Jan Wong who uses her experience to call out Bell's hypocrisy (and The Globe and Mail), and Mat Izquierdo who gets right to the heart of the problem with the capitalist model of mental health care, and Anwar Knight who shared research on the predatory sales tactics used on people who post about the issues. Big respect also to comedian Darcy Michael. 

Like you, I've struggled to get humane service from my telecommunication's provider. Even the smallest thing can turn into an ordeal.

I dread making those calls. The time suck on hold. 'Your call is important to us.' 

The way they wheel and deal after a difficult service conversation. Trying to make up for the previous twenty minutes. 

***

I'm one of many people turning inward. Trying to get right with the world.

The tabs in this book speak volumes. The green ones on top mark big ideas. The pink, blue, and orange tabs mark places in the text where I can see myself. 

It could be the most important book I've read in the past year. And I read a lot. 

I stumbled on Laurence Heller's work on YouTube. There are no coincidences.

People are doing beautiful work in the field of trauma: Gabor Maté, Bessel van der Kolk, and Dr. Han Ren on Instagram. 

***

2021 was hard.

I spent a lot of it depressed, unable to do much of anything. The trajectory had been long. It started low-grade in May 2019. There was a catalyst. Someday I'll write that story. 

Depression moves like a glacier at first. Then the world went black in November.

I was entertaining an exit strategy. Daily. 

Here are a couple of my Instagram photos from that period. You'd never know.

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I had a bottom-line. An agreement with myself.

If the impulse to act turned urgent, I would walk into emergency or call an ambulance. That helped.

***

Something let go inside. I couldn't take another morning waking up next to hopelessness.

I told a few people I trust. 

They dropped what they were doing. Took it seriously. Met me for coffee. Went for walks. Talked on Zoom. Checked in regularly.

​No one told me what to do. They listened. Sometimes said 'me too.'

One asked if I had thought about giving my cat away. I had.

They hugged me.

Our hearts overlapping.

Going months without human contact is painful. Not having someone put their arms around me. Hold me for a few minutes.

***

The mind and spirit are fragile. They need care. 

Three hundred and sixty-five days a year. 

What the pandemic has taught me.

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This conversation's moved way past the corporation.  

They need to clean house. Act, not talk. 

Profiteering on people's vulnerability is loathsome. Who knows how the funds are dispersed?

***

Broken in places. ​Just like you.

Sharing it with others helps. So much.

A sign that hangs in some of my favourite rooms: 'You are no longer alone.'

​I let friends in. They cherished me.

***

If you need help, reach out. 

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2019