today

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Bob Seger. 

My 15-year-old fantasy.

I’d grown up.

***

I spent a six-year period from 1974 to 1980 living in Goderich. Hard years in my family history. 

Looked good on the outside. The beautiful house on Wilson Street—one street from the lake and a block from the lighthouse. 

Directly across Lake Huron was Windsor, gateway to Detroit.

I’d drift to sleep at night listening to the radio—CKLW out of Windsor. 

My love for Bob Seger happened in the front yard of my dreams. Through the gate in the picket fence of consciousness.

*** 

He’s a poet—like John Fogerty, Tom Petty, Nathaniel Radcliffe…I could go on. 

Deciding on a song was hard. There are so many I love.

Beautiful Loser. Night Moves. 

“I woke last night to the sound of thunder.
How far off I sat and wondered?”

***

It’s around that age that a man really showed me where things were at in the sheets. The bar was set high early. 

Some might say too early. But being sexually active was normal. 

Best One-Night Stand.

I knew the potential. Could measure performance.

To this day I'm grateful. 

The important stuff about him: he was curious about women, an admirable quality in a man. 

He also taught me that nice surprises sometimes come wrapped in plain paper.

***

I'm eighteen in the photo.

Beautiful...having fun. As it should be.

***

Even in an era of women's liberation, our pleasure was mostly taboo.

Maybe I'd read some things in "Our Bodies, Ourselves." That book looked like a Harrowsmith manual. 

I was afraid. Kept part of me hidden. 

Feels like freedom to talk about it now. 

***

Men in chef whites—sexiest thing alive. 

Women, not so much.

I had a stunning cooking career. I did things. Big things. 

Worked hard. Paid the price. Made like it was okay. 

Neutered myself sexually speaking. Safety first.

In 1988, I went for an interview at Centro with Raffaello Ferrari. In the wine cellar basement. Just him and I at a table. He asked me how I would handle all the horny men working in the kitchen. His coke habit was in full swing, if that's not obvious. 

All I wanted was to get out of there.

I'd come from André Donnet in Hamilton. A gentleman. 

I didn't not get hired. Things work out for the best. 

***

Lonely at work. Lonely at home.

Some of that's mine to own. 

​A vibrant and gifted woman. Something special.

Longing to be seen. Not erased.

***

Put on either of these songs and I'm going to like you. 

​Look at this live television performance. This Ebet Roberts' photo for Rolling Stone:

​My young heart beating.

"​Ain't good looking, but you know I ain't shy
Ain't afraid to look it girl, hey hear me out
So if you need some lovin', and you need it right away
Take a little time out, and maybe I'll stay"

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1969

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1978